I’ve been doing well just trying to be positive, but I really just need to let this out…

For the past two years, I had a friend who eventually became something of a best friend to me. We were in the same team, we had the same classes, and we both had many things in common. The one thing we did not was, however, personality. I was always the type of person to forgive and forget, and I still am. I mean.. I’m an asshole, I know that, but I don’t really mean half the things I say. She was the type of person to never forget, and hardly forgive. She held grudges, and she was damn good at remembering your faults. Regardless though, she was still a very good friend of mine. I trusted her with pretty much everything. 

The summer before she moved away, we got into a fight, and she completely ignored me. Blocked me out, didn’t respond to me, and didn’t speak a word at all to me. Why? I still don’t really have a clue, only ideas from a couple things people have told me. My other friend who was close to both of us told me that she was tired of our constant fighting and that she didn’t hate me, she just didn’t want to talk to me. Long story short, she was tired of me.

That, right there, fucking hurts. It hurts to know that a friend you considered a best friend thinks you are so despiseable she won’t even bother with you. It hurts to know that the personality you have is so flawed in the eyes of another that they won’t even consider putting the effort in to bother with you. It just fucking hurts.

I’ve dealt with this so far by just trying not to think about it. After all, I’m well known for not caring about anything. But really, that’s just my self defense mechanism. I don’t care because I don’t want to get hurt. I don’t care because I don’t want to fall back into a pattern of self doubt that just leads to things that I don’t want to feel again.

I’ll pretend to be over this by tomorrow but really, I probably will never be over it. Never.